Superhero or Fool

I learned to read when I was 18 months old. My uncle taught me to read comic books. I loved and still love the incredible concepts of supernatural and alien abilities. Super speed, the ability to fly, laser vision, invisible jets, green power rings, scaling walls and slinging webs, telekinetically manipulating matter, manipulation of time and space--all these and more intrigued me. I was also intrigued by the Bible and the stories and feats I found there. a combination of the comic book world and the spiritual world had a huge impact on who I would become.

I've always wanted to save the world. I've given my all to help someone pay bills, buy food, fix a car, etc., even if I, too, was in financial distress. I see the pain of others and wish I could take it away, go back in time to the source of this pain and expunge it. I watch people destroy their lives and feel powerless because my heart wants to remove them from their wrecklessness. I see the good in others, no matter how much evil they show me. Many times I wish I could show those I love the beauty I see in them, wish I could expose their true selves to them so they could see their pricelessness.

But, alas, I am but a mere man. I am no billionaire playboy with a secret identity and I can't save everyone from their financial woes. I have no time-travelling abilities and can't go to the source of one's pain to alleviate it. I can't telepathically look into the minds of others and correct the disconnect between who they see in themselves and who they truly are. I can't heal broken hearts or calm tempests, can't move mountains or part seas. I'm just a man with nothing special to offer but my heart, my love, an ear, a kind word, and whatever resources that are available to me.

And what of me? Who's going to save me? Where is my superhero? Who'll see my pain? Who'll be there to dry my tears, heal my pain, feel my suffering, strengthen me when I falter? Who will look beyond my flaws and see perfection, see the greatness that is me? Who is going to SEE me at all?

Furthermore, should superheroes need salvation? Should pain be a part of a superhero's daily life? Should they be vulnerable? Should they have few resources and be scraping pennies? How can I heal the pain in someone else's heart when there is so much pain in my broken heart? How can I show someone what is like to feel the love of another when all I feel is the biting sting of rejection? Why do I continue to try to save the world, knowing I can't be saved?

The answer is simple. I never want another person to know failure and rejection as intimately as I know them. I never want to see anyone feel the pain that overrides even my happiest moment. I loathe the thought of someone else experiencing this burning emptiness; this unbridled hunger for intimacy, affection, and acceptance; this raging loneliness that consumes me a makes me beg for death to wrap me in its warm embrace every second of my life. I can't stop trying to save the world because I want no one else in the world to become me.

They Say Love...

I wrote this in the first half of 2007. It is actually the last poem I wrote. Sadly, it is still very relevant.


They Say Love...


They say love conquers all
I say "they" made that shyt up!
Cuz his hate conquered my love
And my love bought me a one-way
Ticket to Loneliness and Despair

They say love covers a multitude of sin
Who the fuck comes up with this bullshyt?
Cuz my sins lie exposed
Like dog shyt on a rug
And the more I try to clean them up
The more they seem to go deeper
Into the fabric of our relationship
Stinking up our present
And making our future impossible

They say love is pure, love is perfect
But perfect I can never be
So those bastards must be wrong
Or maybe love can never find
Itself inside someone so imperfect, impure as me
Or maybe love, being perfect and pure
Makes up for imperfection and impurities
But that remains to be seen...

They say love can solve all the world's problems
But I've had problems in love and love didn't help me
And if love is so great, what happened to him,
Me, we, us, together, in love
What happened to forever?


They say love is a wonderful thing
Well, I'm glad those bastards think
Sitting alone in the dark, crying
Because your heart has been torn apart
Rocketed into space, and dispersed
Amongst the universe is so wonderful
It sure doesn't feel wonderful to me

The say love conquers all
Well, dammit, I guess they're right
Cuz that bytchh sure beat the shyt outta me!